Day 95: On becoming a tycoon

Thud, boing, slap. Thud, boing, slap. The giant tennis ball in my hand bounced of the wall, off the floor and back into my hand. As CEO and owner of Polythyral Plastics, there really isn’t a lot to do.

I had more to do when I worked in the mail room. Then up through the ranks, junior office, senior office. You get the gist.

Then I got to the top. You know they say it’s lonely? It sure as hell is. What does a CEO even do apart from doctor his wages and benefits?

Wait! I’ve got it. I remember 2016.

I’m going to run for President. How hard can it be?

The Idiot in Tin Foil

Day 75: Write an acceptance speech for your party’s nominee for governor

And it brings me great pleasure to announce to the state of New York that your new Governor is, in a landslide… Mr Carl Preston. Then you walk out, head high, with a strong wave to the assembled masses. Six strides to the podium, you shake the announcers hand and take a power stance. The speech is just in front of you, you keep your head up. The only thing allowed to descend is silence over the crowd and your eyes, briefly, over these bits of paper. 

Ladies, Gentlemen, everybody gathered here today, I’d like to thank you. I couldn’t have done it without you. I am but a simple writer, who has kindly been elevated to this proud position by the virtue bestowed upon me. (No specific mention of any deity, but just have it implied.)

It has been a long campaign. A long trail. When I say I’ve been all around New York on this trail, I am not joking. Did you know that Woodstock was actually held in Bethel? My campaign team and I do, seeing as we took a wrong turn and ended up there. Boy, are those guys pissed that Woodstock gets the glory!

Pause for laughter. Smile, shit eating grin. You know the one. Wait until the silence begins to come back, then carry on.

But, onto more serious matters. (Pause for silence.) I have travelled the length and breadth of this grand state. I have seen it’s people, the beating heart of this state. I’ve visited the sick, the old, the young. I have seen the truth at the heart of my state. We survive, as we always have.

Besides, we are the greatest state! We have Wall Street, the beating financial heart of our entire country, practically of the world! We had the first chess tournament, the first pizzeria, the first public brewery (another pause). Hell, we’ve got the Yankees!

Ladies, Gentlemen, everyone who voted for me and everybody who voted for the other guy too. I thank you. You have appointed me Governor and with this speech, I pledge to serve you.

I am no politician. I am not a Senator, a prior Mayor. I have held no office. As I said earlier in this speech, I am just a writer. A writer, who like many of you, is sick of political bullshit. This is the future of our state. We are the future.

Final shit eating grin. Leave the stage to rapturous applause. Get drunk. Work out what to do now you’ve won. 

Shit. You actually won. 

The Idiot in Tin Foil

Day 64: Rewrite the Gettysbug Address for today’s audience.

For your information, I am apparently using the Bliss copy of the address.

Two score and three years ago, Edward Heath made the decision to bring us into a gathering of prosperity and security. He decided that we were safer, he told us that it will ‘prove of real and lasting benefit, not only to Britain and France, but to Europe as a whole.’ He saw the work of the European Community and thought I want to be part of that.

Now we are engaged in the process of leaving. This is not a war, this is not a conquest. There is no blood to lie forever in foreign fields because of this. We now face the greatest choice of our lives. We can tuck our tails between our legs and run to Canada, to France, to Australia. Or we can stay and fight. We can push for the future to be created for us. They told us they were voting for us, so now we can shape this country.

But, in a larger sense, we must still grieve. We must feel sad for this moment, if only to use that sadness to inspire us to make change happen. Individuals may not be able to do much, but such is the power of democracy that the overwhelming power of the collective can change things. Our country is a great river, diverted by this boulder of referendum, and now we find ourselves on a new course. We will take the reins. We will ensure that the ideals of our people, the youth, the free, will never be subjugated or pushed to the floor. We will stand.

The Idiot in Tin Foil

 

 

Day 51: Five things that always get you in trouble

How am I always in trouble? Well, I agreed that I would never go a day without causing it. I made a promise, to myself, and everyone who knows me knows that I do not break my promises. So, here’s my handy guide to how to always be in trouble.

Number 1) Ask an overweight lady when the baby is due. This one’s always a winner. It helps if you can pick out an obviously not pregnant woman, but worst comes to the worst you can just roll the dice and find out if you’re right. If you are, you may inflict an awkward conversation on yourself where you find out far too much about this lady’s pregnancy. Before you engage in this risky behaviour, see if you can perform any of the below.

Number 2) Sing a song with a ridiculously catchy tune. This one, perfectly recreated on Scrubs twice, works wonders in a group of your peers. Find the most irritating song you can, such as Friday, Boom Boom Boom Boom, or of course Erasure’s A Little Respect. And then sing. Extra points if you get it off key and out of time, but close enough that people will notice. Excellent fun.

Number 3)  Tell your significant other that you’re going to be early, then be late. This one’s a classic. I’m fairly sure that cavemen were telling their mate that they were going to be back early from hunting and then went to eat fermented fruit with Ug and Zug. Bonus round! Come back steaming drunk and tell him or her that you’re sober.

Number 4) This one contains all your classic crimes. This is for if you want to be in real trouble, with the law or the police or whatever. Hoax calls, stealing, murder… Take your pick really. You’re bound to piss off someone.

So, if none of the above take your fancy, there is one absolutely surefire way you can irritate someone. You can get in trouble.

Number 5) Be Mexican. Be Muslim. Be foreign. Be a woman. Be poor. Be a rational thinking person. Be anything but a rich, white, male and try and work with Donald Trump.

Try and understand him. That’ll get you in trouble with your own brain.

Try and talk to him. That’ll get you in trouble with him.

Try existing. Anywhere.

Bam. Instant trouble.

The Idiot in Tin Foil

Day 9: Facebook status updates from the year 2017

So, an easy one tonight. I mean, this is only next year as opposed to being 6 years in the future like when the book came out. 

Linda Blue

OMG. Amazing party at the White House. President Trump really knows how to kick it! Still can’t believe he won. NYE 2017!

Linda Blue

Happy Valentine’s! Wish I could speak to Ivan. Shame that the communications are down in Russia. Love you sweetpie!

Linda Blue

Mmmm… Who doesn’t love Easter? So much chocolate. I miss the swiss stuff though, why are the borders closed?

Linda Blue

Starbucks with the girlies! Best place to watch all these burly soldiers in the street. Meow!

Linda Blue

I can’t believe I got a place on Capitol Hill to watch the launches! Time to stick it to the Russians!

Linda Blue

This is it. It’s the end of the world. I can’t believe I got swept up in it all. Eight months and he’s ruined it all. It’s over.

Status cannot be sent at this time. Please try again later. 

Status cannot be sent at this time. Please try again later. 

Status cannot be sent at this time. Please try again later. 

The Idiot In Tin Foil