Day 75: Write an acceptance speech for your party’s nominee for governor

And it brings me great pleasure to announce to the state of New York that your new Governor is, in a landslide… Mr Carl Preston. Then you walk out, head high, with a strong wave to the assembled masses. Six strides to the podium, you shake the announcers hand and take a power stance. The speech is just in front of you, you keep your head up. The only thing allowed to descend is silence over the crowd and your eyes, briefly, over these bits of paper. 

Ladies, Gentlemen, everybody gathered here today, I’d like to thank you. I couldn’t have done it without you. I am but a simple writer, who has kindly been elevated to this proud position by the virtue bestowed upon me. (No specific mention of any deity, but just have it implied.)

It has been a long campaign. A long trail. When I say I’ve been all around New York on this trail, I am not joking. Did you know that Woodstock was actually held in Bethel? My campaign team and I do, seeing as we took a wrong turn and ended up there. Boy, are those guys pissed that Woodstock gets the glory!

Pause for laughter. Smile, shit eating grin. You know the one. Wait until the silence begins to come back, then carry on.

But, onto more serious matters. (Pause for silence.) I have travelled the length and breadth of this grand state. I have seen it’s people, the beating heart of this state. I’ve visited the sick, the old, the young. I have seen the truth at the heart of my state. We survive, as we always have.

Besides, we are the greatest state! We have Wall Street, the beating financial heart of our entire country, practically of the world! We had the first chess tournament, the first pizzeria, the first public brewery (another pause). Hell, we’ve got the Yankees!

Ladies, Gentlemen, everyone who voted for me and everybody who voted for the other guy too. I thank you. You have appointed me Governor and with this speech, I pledge to serve you.

I am no politician. I am not a Senator, a prior Mayor. I have held no office. As I said earlier in this speech, I am just a writer. A writer, who like many of you, is sick of political bullshit. This is the future of our state. We are the future.

Final shit eating grin. Leave the stage to rapturous applause. Get drunk. Work out what to do now you’ve won. 

Shit. You actually won. 

The Idiot in Tin Foil

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