How am I always in trouble? Well, I agreed that I would never go a day without causing it. I made a promise, to myself, and everyone who knows me knows that I do not break my promises. So, here’s my handy guide to how to always be in trouble.
Number 1) Ask an overweight lady when the baby is due. This one’s always a winner. It helps if you can pick out an obviously not pregnant woman, but worst comes to the worst you can just roll the dice and find out if you’re right. If you are, you may inflict an awkward conversation on yourself where you find out far too much about this lady’s pregnancy. Before you engage in this risky behaviour, see if you can perform any of the below.
Number 2) Sing a song with a ridiculously catchy tune. This one, perfectly recreated on Scrubs twice, works wonders in a group of your peers. Find the most irritating song you can, such as Friday, Boom Boom Boom Boom, or of course Erasure’s A Little Respect. And then sing. Extra points if you get it off key and out of time, but close enough that people will notice. Excellent fun.
Number 3) Tell your significant other that you’re going to be early, then be late. This one’s a classic. I’m fairly sure that cavemen were telling their mate that they were going to be back early from hunting and then went to eat fermented fruit with Ug and Zug. Bonus round! Come back steaming drunk and tell him or her that you’re sober.
Number 4) This one contains all your classic crimes. This is for if you want to be in real trouble, with the law or the police or whatever. Hoax calls, stealing, murder… Take your pick really. You’re bound to piss off someone.
So, if none of the above take your fancy, there is one absolutely surefire way you can irritate someone. You can get in trouble.
Number 5) Be Mexican. Be Muslim. Be foreign. Be a woman. Be poor. Be a rational thinking person. Be anything but a rich, white, male and try and work with Donald Trump.
Try and understand him. That’ll get you in trouble with your own brain.
Try and talk to him. That’ll get you in trouble with him.
Try existing. Anywhere.
Bam. Instant trouble.
The Idiot in Tin Foil