Andrew, look, I’m trying to talk to you. Andrew, put the book down and listen. Oh for crying out loud…
Right, now that you’re listening… Ish. I remember that book. The one about the penguins, right? This is the day that you first lost a library book…
Well, lesson number one. It’s not that big a deal. Don’t beat yourself up about it. I mean, it’s pretty bad but it’s definitely not the end of the world.
Lesson number two. Try and make some friends. I know it seems like you only need your core of three and the characters in the books… But it’s harder than that. Especially because you’re going to a different secondary school, with different people. But that doesn’t mean stop reading. I swear, you ever consider stopping your reading and I will come back in time again and beat you upside the head. Okay? Good.
Lesson three. You are not as smart as you think you are. It’s not that easy. You can’t just coast your way through and stop trying because A levels and university are going to put you through the wringer if you don’t push for it.
There are so many things I could say to you. I could tell you not to bite that guy during the fight in secondary. That one was a mistake, even if he did put his hand over your mouth. I could tell you that girlfriend number four is a little bit mental and you should probably stay away from her but… That’s just going to throw up all kinds of causality shit.
I mean problems. Don’t say that word to Mum, she’ll probably chase you around the house with a broom. Or say she’s disappointed.
Still gives me the shivers.
You know what Andrew? Just roll with the punches. That’s my advice to you. It’s not all simple, it’s not all easy, but roll with the punches and you’ll get by. And…
Goddammit, you’ve been reading that book this whole time. Have you heard a word that I’ve said?
The Idiot in Tin Foil