Day 273: Open your kitchen cabinet. Write a scene incorporating the first three things you see.

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Popcorn, pasta and pecans.

When my wife said she wanted to be experimental in the kitchen, I was initially wary. “But darling, what’s wrong with what you cook now?” I asked, hoping against hope that sense would return from whatever holiday it had taken and return with few, if any, souvenirs.

“It’s just so… Boring.” She replied. I shudder at the memory of those words as I stare down at the mush of beige before me. “Heston has some wonderful ideas.”

I could kill Heston Bloody Blumenthal. Filling my wife’s head with ideas about popping candy pig’s heads and bacon and egg ice cream. While Heston may be able to do that, my wife’s idea of it is to get a tub of Ben and Jerry’s Cookie Dough, put the whole thing onto a plate and stick some crispy fried strips of bacon in like wafers.

It’s not good, I’ll tell you that.

But that was just the start of a long and twisted journey that has led to today.

Popcorn, pasta and pecans.

For a start, popcorn doesn’t belong with pasta. Not in the slightest. Especially, this is absolutely imperative, when it hasn’t been popped. Unpopped popcorn kernels are simply landmines in the desert of pasta. Then you add in the pecans and it’s touch and go whether you’ve got crunchy pecan or death by popcorn kernel.

Now, if she’d ground the pecans, mixed with a cheesy white sauce, perhaps that could have worked. But even then…

I was looking forward to my bolognese.

The Idiot in Tin Foil

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