I kill people and I get paid for it.
It’s not an easy job, but somebody has to do it. Otherwise, you’d find the world overrun with dictators, monsters and annoying ex-spouses.
Now, as part of my job, I’m inherently exposed to danger. Most of the people I get paid to kill don’t exactly want to be dead and spend vast amounts of money coating their insidious lairs with all sorts of gadgets and gizmos and violent criminals dredged from the depths of their underworld. It’s a complex game that we’ve been playing for years. It’s almost them saying “If you can get through my defences, you can kill me!”
So far, I’m twenty-five to a half. Mark number seven managed to get a knife into my shoulder, which sure as hell wasn’t fun. It was like being punched in the shoulder in a really unfriendly way, then ice being poured into the yawning chasm that’s been left in your shoulder.
Anyway, I’m getting off track. The fact is, I’ve been in some shitty ass places. I’ve been shot at, stabbed, beaten. In training I was nearly drowned and burnt at the same time. I pray you never hear about how that one plays out.
Today, though. This was a hell of a lot different to anything I’ve done before. I had been thrown out of my comfort zone entirely today.
“Come on Daddy!” Lily tugged on my arm. I stared up at the banner before me.
Channel Heights Junior School Welcomes Parents.
This was going to be a long night.
“Mr Hyde,” Lily’s teacher said, shifting some papers in front of her, “I’m sure you’re aware the Lily has been showing some… Difficulties, in her class.”
I looked at my daughter who was wearing her practised innocence face. I know she was putting it on because I’m the one who taught it to her, every time she asked what I did at work all day. “I just work for an office. That’s all.”
“She acts out. She gets into fights. She actually put Miss Wollestein over there in a headlock last week. And yet she shows a great aptitude in her mathematics and PE. Perhaps you can explain, Mr Hyde?”
“Please, call me Edward.” I flashed her the disarming grin. Nothing happened.
Now, I said I went through rigorous training, but to be completely unresponsive to my disarming grin? I want to know what training these teachers are put through.
“Mr Hyde, your daughter is disruptive. She is on the verge of being kicked out of this school for her behaviour and I personally believe it to be due to negative influences at home. So, Mr Hyde, do please explain yourself?”
Like I said. A whole different kind of mission.
It was this or the Hitman That Came to Tea. Hitman is accidentally teaching his daughter all these wonderful life skills and hilarity ensues. Now with the potential for bonus romantic plot with the teacher!
The Idiot in Tin Foil