I opened my eyes, blearily. The Duke of York may have had ten thousand men, but at least half of his company were marching up and down through the crevasses of my brain. Every single one of them was fuelled by tequila and bad decisions. I stared at the crack in the curtains, sunlight stabbing through into my vulnerable eyes.
Bright sunlight, too. Which was odd. I swear it was raining when I went to sleep. Or at least as I was walking home. My hair was definitely still damp. And my clothes were…
Missing. I was stark bollock naked.
I rolled over, trying to ignore the starburst that began just behind my eyes and rolled down to my roiling stomach. I looked at my watch, thankfully still there, solid and shining on my blurred wrist. ‘Half past one?’ I croaked in a voice I’d clearly stolen from Batman. ‘What even happened last night?’ I clutched at the duvet as if it was a lifeline.
‘Good morning, rise and shine and all that nonsense!’ A gruff voice echoed from behind me. I would have rolled over, but after the first wave of nausea I was hesitant to try again. ‘Now, it is time that you found your feet and got out of the beds!’ The English was off-centre, as if it had been run through a translator once or twice and then turned back into English. The meaning was there, just a bit confused.
I was still pondering the language when a giant hand closed around my neck. I was yanked from the bed like a rag doll and held off the floor. I could feel my spine popping as I was turned around to face a beast.
‘Hello Sir! Welcome to The Abbey.’ The creature, with a face that looked like it had been sculpted badly out of clay, yelled at me.I called it gruff before, but it was closer to being artificial. ‘Time for the dressings and the awakening days.’ The creature place me gently on the floor and clomped away. Clomping was the only way to describe it, heavy footfalls deliberately placed, strangely delicate but firm. He thudded away into a room down the stone corridor. ‘Good morning, rise and shine and all that nonsense!’ His coarse voice trailed as he clomped into the next room.
I sat in a heap on the floor, bewildered. The soldiers in my head had all taken a tumble when the creature had dragged me from the bed, but now they were back and drumming their little hearts out. I screwed my eyes shut, hoping to get some clarity.
I got nothing. When I managed to clear the cotton wool from my mind, bearing in mind it was still fuzzy, I slowly let the light back into my head. I saw a jumpsuit, neatly folded on the table next to me, along with a pair of black hi-tops. An odd combination, but one that I can work.
The real question… Where the hell am I?
The Idiot in Tin Foil