Truth be told, this is definitely a beginner’s guide. I am truly awful at getting out of bed…
Hi Guys, this is your guide to getting up. 5 stages, 5 steps and all of them guaranteed to help you get out of bed.
Number 1) ALARM!
I’m serious. Alarms are necessary. Unless you’re one of these people who “can just wake up with the day. It’s circadian rhythm man.” Bullshit. A trick I have learnt is to have multiple alarms, all of them strategically placed just out of reach. This way, when the time comes to get up, not only do you actually get up but you feel like you’ve achieved something!
Number 2) Visualisation.
Let’s be honest, most people get up in the morning to go to a job they hate, doing things they don’t enjoy for not enough money. But get past that. Visualise the thing from the day that you are looking forward to. Those fifteen minutes where it’s just you and your kid after you get home from work. The first, ice cold bottle of beer (if this is what you look forward to, you may want to look at my other guide, How to tell if it’s an addiction, available from Bantamweight Press, 15.99). The hour you get to play video games. Whatever it is, that’s what you’re fighting through the day for. Visualise it, crystal clear in your mind and then go. You’re out of bed.
Number 3) Rationalisation
How many of you have ever played a video game? Done arbitrary tasks for arbitrary points? That’s what a day is. It’s an arbitrary task for arbitrary points. So assign yourself XP! (For those that don’t play video games, XP stands for experience points. These help you level up. For more advice, see my guide The Gamer’s Guide to Life, Bantamweight Press, 10.99) You know what, that alarm you just turned off? It was a creature that you vanquished. 100 XP for you, protagonist!
Number 4) Dramatisation.
Perform your mornings if you really can’t get going. It isn’t a day, it’s a play of a day. Getting out of bed is the opening number in the musical of your life. So get out there and sing your heart out. You can hear it already, the upbeat tune bringing the crowd to crescendo? Exactly! (Wednesday lunchtimes tend to be the sad number in the middle of the show, right before the interval.)
Number 5) Acceptance.
At the end of the day (no joke intended) you have to get out of bed. It’s a tough life and some days you’ll want to retreat to the safety of the duvet. But you can’t. It’s not enough to say ‘I can’t do this.’ Ask yourself why.
If it’s ‘Because it’s warm in here’ then get up. Put a jumper on. Move about and feel the warmth.
If it’s ‘Because I hate my job’ then look into a career move. No point getting tied up dredging your way through something you hate. Find the thing that gets you up.
Finally, if it’s ‘Because I just can’t. Because the world is too much for me. Because I am afraid.’ Then talk to someone. Friends, family, doctors. They can help you. And then you can face the day with the rest of us.
The Idiot in Tin Foil