You want to get to my house? That’s fairly simple, as long as you’re switched on. Now, are you sitting comfortably?
Your journey begins at quarter past four in the morning. You may only reach the house on a day when sunrise falls exactly at quarter past four. AM. If you’re in a land where sunrise is in the PM, you’ve definitely taken a wrong turn somewhere. You must be up, out of bed and ready to go, watching for the first rays of sun to come towards you from the horizon. When that first ray breaks upon your body and your shadow first touches the ground, your journey can begin.
First, take a right. Walk fourteen paces. Turn around, back the way you came. Jump, twice. Jump high, knees tucked fully into the chest. Now, take the piece of chalk from your pocket. What do you mean you forgot the chalk? Go back. Try again.
You’ve taken the right, walked the paces, jumped… Now, you’ve got your chalk this time? Good. Draw a circle around your feet, no bigger than your shoulders. Place your hands on either side of your feet and say ‘Dos riga maltimun.’ If nothing happens, your pronunciation is most likely off. Correctly, it is ‘doze (as in toes) reegah (regal without the l) moltimoon. This should open the portal to Firredack.
Are you through? Are you there? If not, repeat the first few steps. I know, it’s irritating, but you’ll get there eventually. Think of the portal as step one. If you manage that one, you’ve reached what I like to call a save. Like in the video games, this is where you’ll come back to if you get a step wrong.
Not if you die though. Nothing fixes that. Sorry.
But anyway, you should see a statue on a hill in the distance. A tall figure of a striding man, reaching for the heavens. You should see the sun glinting off of part of his body. Walk towards that. Don’t stop walking, not if your legs get tired, not if you get tired. You do not need to eat. You do not need to sleep. You just need to walk until you reach the statue. Stopping leaves you vulnerable. The Ostrich Riders will be coming.
Don’t believe me? Stop and turn around. But don’t blame me if you can’t reach the house.
Let’s assume you’ve listened and are still coming. The glint is closer now, you’ve reached the statue and you’ll find a small door. It looks as though nothing could fit through it, barely the size of your hand. Place your palm to the door and tell it a secret. The statue should scoop you up in his hands and jump, a journey to the clouds.
Now, welcome to Cloud Nine. This is where most people really get stuck. You can only walk on the thunder clouds. Only the thunder clouds. Ominous rumblings are good. I don’t care how strong the white clouds look, no. Just don’t. If you do, you’re back on Earth. And it starts all over again.
Now, you’re still here. You’ve survived the Ostrich Riders, the clouds. You should be coming to the Fountain now. A shimmering azure pool, with a twisting waterspout in the centre. I really hope you can swim, because the spout brings you to the Garden. So, start swimming. And then spinning. And spinning. And flying. Keep your arms tucked in tight, and I’d advise keeping your mouth shut. The water tastes horrendous.
So, you’ve risen through the spout and should be deposited at the gates. Wrought iron, with big scary spikes on the top and there should be a sign on it.
It should say this.
Why would I have made it so difficult to get to where I live if I wanted to be visited all the time?
Lagos Marinos von Sortos, Baron of the Aerial Estate
The Idiot in Tin Foil