Day 21: You are a midlevel Greek deity, hoping to move up the ranks of Olympus. What are your powers, and how will you use them to impress Zeus and the others?

My name is Boreus. I am the God of Thieves and Whisperers and you have never heard of me thanks to the patronising nature of the ‘Main Pantheon.’ I mean, for real? I have been around just as long as them. That’s right.

Zeus? He’s a moron. Literally, he’s definitely under the curve. All he can do is throw a strop, shag things and then mood about with a thunderbolt. Hera is the most jealous woman on Olympus. She’s convinced that every woman with a pulse wants to jump into bed with Zeus, which following my description should let you believe that that isn’t the case. If anything, he forces himself on women but nobody cares about that because he’s ‘so celestial and magnificent.’

The man looks like someone glued some fluff to a thumb!

Poseidon’s pretty cool, but he doesn’t spend much time here in Olympus any more. Too busy arguing with BP and the ozone layer. I’d like to take a moment here to point out that the sky is Zeus’ domain, the ozone layer is part of the sky. Not pointing any fingers but take one fragile part of the atmosphere, add a guy with the temperament of a toddler, give him a thunderbolt and BAM! Global catastrophe.

Then there’s Hades. That is one creepy dude. Chills out with the dead down in a land of horrible things, keeps a giant three-headed dog for a pet, literally stole a woman. He has this whole ‘get in the van’ vibe going. Disney were pretty accurate when they showed him camper than a row of pink tents, they just got his colouring like. He actually wears a lot of bright colours. Man has no taste. I’ve seen him in a mauve jacket with neon green trousers. You’d think he got dressed in the dark.

The rest of them just pander to those four. Aphrodite is a suck-up bitch, Hephaestus is good at hitting bits of metal with other bits of metal but he’s not all there, Dionysius is a drunk, more and more and then there’s Hermes.

Hermes. Patron saint of Thieves and messenger of the gods. Except for the fact that I AM THE PATRON SAINT OF THIEVES! The only thing that Hermes ever stole was my title, banishing me to the realms of obscurity. Prometheus did more than that! Fire from the gods, that was one of my best pieces of work. Prometheus could barely string a sentence together, but with me whispering in his ear I could point him in the right direction, like a melon-headed bullet.

Well, this is where it all changes. This is where I move forward and take my proper place in the pantheon. Time to play the best con I’ve ever managed.

The game is on.

I can hide. I can walk amongst men without being seen. I can rifle through pockets without being seen, take whatever I so desire. I can tease any lock, copy any key. I will steal from the gods.

I will steal Olympus itself.

The Idiot in Tin Foil


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