Day Number One. Second Marriage.

It’s amazing how long it takes to sink in. For me, it was seventy eight weeks, four days and eight hours until I realised that it wasn’t working. I was in Morrisons, holding a four-pinter of milk when I said it. Aloud. For everyone to hear.

‘I’m so unhappy with my wife.’

Of course for Rachel, it was about eight days. We got back from our honeymoon, a week on the French Riviera. Sun, sea, sex… It was fantastic. Then we got back to Croydon and our two person flat and… Well, everything fell flat. Including Rachel and my best friend. Eight days from spending hours never leaving our bed except for food and the occasional shower, to her and Eddie bonking like rabbits while I went to work.

I work for a marketing company. We literally drive up hype for things that are completely losing momentum. What’s this, a drink that turned out to be mostly chemical? We’ll have people buying it again in weeks. A brand new start-up? We’ll have your name on everybody’s lips within days. Barton’s has made futures, built lives from nothing, we even saved a career! I’m not allowed to say who it was, but their name rhymes with Ronnie Flepp. Even with all of that experience, I couldn’t save my marriage.

Rachel actually came out and told me. Three days after my milk aisle epiphany, she lost it at breakfast. Screamed at me that Eddie was better in bed than I will ever be. That I was worthless. That I would never be any good. And basically, that Eddie was four times the man I would ever be.

I told her that the door was behind her. Very calmly actually. I’m talking book Dumbledore in the Goblet of Fire, not movie Dumbledore here.We all know how that panned out.

Anyway, I think I’ve got myself a little off topic.

Sarah. I take thee to be my lawful wedded wife.

Christ, I really can’t write my own vows.

The Idiot in Tin Foil


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